Princesstual Orgy is the touching story of a Japanese comedian, his yoyo, and four fairy princesses. And despite the name of this game, “his yoyo” is not a metaphor for anything (phallic or otherwise).

Anyway, here’s the dilly, yo. You are Tashiro Masashi, a japanese comedian that you probably have never heard of unless you’ve lived in Japan, or are one of those crazy people who creams themselves whenever they think about japanese culture. Anyway, one night Tashiro is awakened by a fairy because she wants him to rescue some fairy princess from the clutches of four evil witches, thus saving the world from the dread Ultra Witch. You know she’s really bad. They don’t just throw the title Ultra out to just any witch.

Easy, right? WRONG. This is, after all, an NES platformer that doesn’t involve Megaman or Mario or the Belmont clan. That means the controls are touchy, Tashiro walks rather slowly, and enemies get to ignore things like walls. Oh, and as soon as anything scrolls off of the screen, it ceases to be. You will be killed by enemies every so often, but not as often as you miss jumps, and not nearly as often as you toss your control pad at the wall.

That’s not to say this is a bad game, it just will try your patience, as do most NES platform games.

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