For that candle text, maybe you could do something like this. Having the town name in there makes it much better, and adds a bit more sense to the NPC's knowledge of geography - NPC's don't talk about other towns very often in the original game, so having more connections like that would be awesome.
"GET THE CANDLE IN THE PARAPA TEMPLE, AND GO WEST TO RUTO."
How about "GET THE CANDLE IN THE PARAPA TEMPLE, THEN WEST TO RUTO." ?
Or does it sound somewhat engrishy?
Your re-write implies that the church bell tolls constantly, which I don't believe is the intent. From reading a direct translation of the original Japanese lines, I infer that the church bell tolls on the hour (or whenever's typical for church bells of Hyrule) which is mysterious to the townsfolk of Mido since the church is believed to be vacant. That's of course a hint to the player that there's someone still there that Link should try and talk to.
I think the original text, roughly translated as, "The door won't open. It sure is quiet." is meant to invoke a creepy vibe, since a church who's bell still tolls despite being abandoned is definitely eerie. I think the current "awfully quiet" line fails to invoke a creepy vibe mostly because I can't help but think of Elmer Fudd from Looney Tunes.
It's hard for me to suggest a replacement line since I'm not familiar with the text restrictions you must work with.
You do bring up an important point.
I think leaving it in some sort of mention to the silence might be good, and only when the NPC mentions that the bell tolls, that's when the hint should be given to search the church.
If you want to suggest a line, take this restrictions into consideration:
We can work with 6 lines of 11 characters each.
Commas, dots and spaces are considered towards that 11 character count as well.
So something like "The door won't open." Must be split like this:
"THE DOOR" takes up 8 characters of length, and "WON'T OPEN." takes up the full 11 characters of the row, including the apostrophe.
With that said, "THE DOOR WON'T OPEN." takes 2 lines, we still have 4 more (of 11 characters each) before we hit the limit of the text box.