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Author Topic: Diary Entry Translation Verification/Correction  (Read 3083 times)

Cargodin

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Diary Entry Translation Verification/Correction
« on: August 09, 2015, 09:56:02 am »
Hah! I'm back and need a bit more Napple Tale assistance. Sorry if this is another daunting thing to ask. I typed up translations for *most* of the diary entries I needed help typing up. Now that I've churned through most of them and haven't slept in 20 hours, I was hoping I could leave them up here for critique/review/verification while I finally went to sleep again. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

http://pastebin.com/gTRErSBh

There are a few I didn't do that I would need help getting the gist of. (Those being 11- which is a continuation of 10, 24 and 30.). I already have 42 and 43 done, just too sleepy to go digging in my bag for my memo.

Anyhow, everything else is stuff I'm attempting to write so it's easy to understand for players, since a number of entries talk about Japanese kanji, and in the first Stoic Philosophy entry, I brought up Stoa Poikile in a bit of detail, so little things like that, feel free to point out if I'm actually incorrect, but know this isn't a 40% literal translation. That said, if I made any errors that are blatantly wrong or are missing the point, please let me know so I can correct things accordingly.

Eien Ni Hen

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Re: Diary Entry Translation Verification/Correction
« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2015, 06:09:24 pm »
I looked over the first few entries, and boy are they hard. I can't believe you got through them so quickly.  :P

Anyway, here's my critique of the first few entries:

00: - シチュー愛す!
シチュー!
それはごた混ぜだけど
シチュー!
それはひとつの料理
ひとつの宇宙

Lovely stew ice cream!
Stew!
It may be hodgepodge,
but it's still a stew!
It's a single dish,
a single universe.

01.

This one is fine, but I would change the last line to:

I can't believe I mistook a human for a cat!

02: - これから
ボクのような「部分との神族」は
自分で自分おなまえをリミックスできない
"たまガイド"として未熟さを思いしらされた
ポーチさん事件を思うとき
自分お名の行く未が思いやられるなあ

There's no way a small-time deity like me can reinvent himself after something like this.
I've realized just how inexperienced of a Spirit Guide I am.
When I think about Porch's predicament, I wonder if I'll ever make a name for myself.

呪縛
飛び散った
ペタルの回収には
その場に居あわせた神族の特殊な感覚が必要となる
しばらくのところボク自身お力の大部分は
ポーチペタルの回収にさかれることになるだろう
はぁ……

The first three lines are okay, but I'd change the next lines to:

I need to use every single one of my special deity senses.
For the time being, I'll have to devote most of my power to recovering Porch's petals.
*Sigh*

04: - 蝶と花びらの詩
氷がとける
鏡が割れる
「わたし」がこわれる
さがさなくちゃねあたらし鏡
風にだったら映るかなひらひら ふらふら
あなたにだったら映るかなひらひら ふらふら
魔法のかがみ

Of Flowers and Butterflies

The ice melts;
the mirror shatters;
and I, myself, break.
I must find one, a new mirror.
Will it be reflected in the wind? Flitter flutter.
Will it be reflected in you? Titter totter.
My magic mirror.

07: - 中には太陽
あの夏至祭で双子のジェシーは
本人すらしらない間にジェスターとしての役割を与えられていたのかも……
高い城壁で守られたまあるい宮殿の

Within the Sun
Jesse, the twin from the Midsummer Night Festival,
may have unknowingly been given the role of "Jester"...
Like in the castle surrounded by high walls.

08: - On a wall
いったん、こわれた宇宙を元に戻すなんてことは
たしかに、どんな王様にもできることじゃないだろう
だから賢い王様は二人の道化師をそばにおいておくべきだ
一人では少なすぎる
給料をもらいすぎた道化師は自分を王様とカンチガイする
一羽のガチョウではただエサを食べているだけ
でも、三人じゃあ多すぎる
給料の取り合いばかりで大混乱,大混乱!
押し込められたガチョウがわめくばかりのように

//This entry is really bizarre. It seems to be a fairy tale about greed, but it doesn't make a lot of sense.

On a Wall

Mending a broken universe was something no king could do.
Thus it was necessary for a wise king to keep two jesters in this court.
One was simply not enough.
The two overpaid jesters got into a disagreement with the king over their salary.
They were promised a whole goose to eat,
but it was not enough for three people.
And so they yelled and screamed, making a fuss over their salary.
Like the caged goose, they did nothing but holler.

09: - ストア哲学
ポーチさんという存在はいったい何だったのだろう
ボクは、いくつかの興味深いヒントをリアルワールドで見つけた
それはポーチという名が
ストア哲学を意味することがあるということだ
かの哲学はでキゲンゼン300年ごろ
古代ギリシャのアテナイでキプロス島出身のゼノンが起こしたと伝えられる

ゼノンがもの思いにふけり人々に語りかけた通路には
虹のように色あでやかな柱が立っていたともいう
"Porch" is a name with many different meanings.
I've heard that it is significant to Stoic Philosophy
which originated sometime in Ancient Greece around 300 BC,
in a town called "Athens". The Stoa Poikile, or
"Painted Porch" was where Zeno, a man born of Cyprus,
told his listeners to indulge in their thoughts.

I think もの思いにふけり refers to Zeno being lost in thought, not telling others to be lost in thought. I would change the last line to:

"Painted Porch" was where Zeno would lecture to people while lost in thought.

10: ストア哲学 (cont.)
だが、ゼノンの本は失われ今に伝えられていない
開祖ゼノンだけではない
ストア哲学初期の記録はリアルワールドの「時間」
この専制君主にたえきれず消えていってしまった
リアルワールドの「今」に残っているストア哲学とは
古代ローマ時代の記録から集成されたもので
ゼノンのものとは分かて考える必要があるだろう
わずかに伝わるところでは東洋の思想、哲学に影響を受けていたという
ここに何かヒントがあるかもしれないな
 
On Stoic Philosophy (cont.)

However, the teachings of Zeno and the other founders have long since been lost.
The earliest writings of Stoic Philosophy fell prey to that horrid despot, "Time."
Stoic Philosophy as it is exists in the "Present" is actually compiled from ancient Roman documents,
so one must differentiate it from Zeno's teachings.
Additionally, the few teachings that survived have a hint of Eastern influence in them.
Soon the super karate monkey death car would park in my space. But Jimmy has fancy plans... and pants to match. The monkey clown horrible karate round and yummy like cute small baby chick would beat the donkey.

Pennywise

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Re: Diary Entry Translation Verification/Correction
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2015, 06:21:11 pm »
I don't have anything to add other than to comment that there's at least one person on this forum who lectures while lost in thought...

At least he used, but I haven't paid much attention since it got old for me.

Eien Ni Hen

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Re: Diary Entry Translation Verification/Correction
« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2015, 07:27:45 pm »
Here's the next few:

11: - リアルワールドの言葉
なぜ、リアルワールドではあんなの多くの種類の言葉が必要なのだろう?
たとえばリアルワールドの
日本という国は
三つの文字を使い分ける不思議な国だ
まず中国からきた「漢字」があり
そこから「カタカナ」と「ひらがな」が生まれた
そしてその言葉の世界では英語の世界とくらべ
ポーチさんが「あいまい」となってしまう
ふらふらとあいまいでとらえどころがないからこそ

The only thing I would change is the sentence describing where kana came from:

The first system, "kanji," originated in China, and "hiragana" and "katakana" were created from that.

12: リアルワールドの言葉 (cont.)
いろんなイメージを
映し出し,反射させる
そんな不思議な名前の人になってしまう
日本語でポーチさんは「ポーチ」──と書かれる
おもしろいのは、英語におけるporch pouch poach
これらすべてが日本語では「ポーチ」と書かれてしまう
西のはずれで分かれていたモノが
東のはずれでまじり合ってしまう
タマゴをゆでるのもラクじゃなくてなってしまう
ふしぎなところだリアルワールドは……

Everything looks okay except the last three lines. I would translate them as:

Where the West ends the East begins, I suppose.
Even boiling eggs is much more difficult in the Real World!
What a strange place it is...

13: - 花と火と
fireworkのことを日本ではかんじで
「花火」と書きHANABIと呼ぶ
「花」=HANAとはflowerのことで
「火」=BIとはHI fireを意味する
文字を逆さまにして「火花」と書けば
それは英語における
spark sparkleの意味になる
花と火をリミックスし生み出したものはとても興味深いものだ
ナップルワールドに関わるすべてにとって……

Flowers and Fire

In kanji, the word "firework" is
written as 「花火」and pronounced "HA-NA-BI."
花 (HANA) means "flower" and
火 (BI) means "fire."
Switch the kanji around and you get 「火花」(HIBANA),
which means "spark" or "sparkler" in English.
I'm very curious about what can be made by remixing flowers and fire,
as is all of Napple World.

14: -  Seasons in Life-circle
「春」めぐるキミの、不安と夢
たなびくかすみの合間にふらふら舞う花びらか蝶々
「夏」めぐるキミの、生と死
高壁にやきついた時のかげぼうし
「秋」めぐるキミの、いろどり
透かしすぎる風青すぎる空
「冬」めぐるキミの、おもいで
沈黙の内に語られる刺しゅうの美しさと痛み

Spring: Dreams and anxieties go round and round.
Something dances drunkenly through the mists--petals or butterflies.
Summer: Life and death go round and round.
Time's shadow burned into the high walls.
Fall: Colors go round and round.
With too thin a breeze and too pale a sky.
Winter: Memories go round and round.
A tapestry of beauty and pain spoken in silence.

Edit: Here's some more:

16: 瀕死の妖精 (cont.)
今度は…かえ…れ…るとい…いな……
やわら…か…いものぎっ…しり…つめこんだ
そ…んな……
ち…いさ…い…けど大き…な……
──あの妖精が残そうとした未完の言葉はいったい何だったのか?
けれど、今のボクにはその意味なら感じることが出来る
そして
それで良いのだろう
すべてのメッセージにはそのはじまりと同じように
終わりが未決のままだという性質があるのだから……

I hope this time...I can go home...
...Stuffed full of soft things...
Incredible...
Small...but also big...
Those were the fairy's last words. What did they mean, I wondered?
Now, though, I think I understand.
That's good enough.
In all messages, the beginning is the same as the end--they are both "in flux."

17: - 消えることの違い
リアルワールドではいろいろなモノが使われ,消えていく
──それに対して
ナップルワールドではいろいろなモノが消えることで,使われる
これは同じようだけど実は、まったく違う
だからボクは感じるんだ
初期ストア哲学の手がかりそのほとんどすべてが消えていった重要性を……
Differences in Disappearing

In the Real World, things are used and then fade away.
Conversely, in Napple World, things are used after they fade away.
So it is similar, but still very different.
The key tenets of early Stoic Philosophy have long since faded away,
and I now understand the significance of this...

18: - パトス
ピエロは自分の名前としてトーマスという名をリミックスしたという
──とすれば、それは
ボクらがピエロに何かを支払いすぎた結果なのかもしれない
Pathos

//I have no clue what this entry means, but it seems to tie in to the story of the two greedy jesters.

Pierrot said he remixed his own name as Thomas.
If that's the case, we must've somehow overpaid him.

19: - さかさ橋
雨がさかさにふっていた
おやおやブキミとカエルが おちる
川がさかさにながれてた
あらあらフキツとカワセミ わらう
きがつきゃ わたったさかさま橋
いやはや オシマイもう オシマイ

//Your translation is fine, but the Japanese version sounds cute and quirky, like a child's rhyme. So something like this would fit the tone better:

The rain came upside-down.
"How eerie!" Croaks the frog with a frown.
The river flowed the wrong way.
"How ominous!" The kingfisher does say.
Cross the inverted bridge, my friend,
and your life will quickly come to an end!

20: - かさね合わせ
花と夏が同じような意味を持つことがあるように
ポーチさんはボクらの創造神イリュシアと
よく似た名字を持って
ナップルワールドに来たのかもしれない
Overlapping

Just as flowers are associated with summer,
Porch's last name, Arsia, is similar to the name of our creator, Illusia.
Perhaps that is why Porch has come to Napple World.

21: - Lady Bird
キミがわが家に来るのならボクを見つめちゃいけません
キミがボクを見たいならボクのとこから帰らなきゃ
そろそろお家が失事ボウボウ!

//Your translation is fine, but the kanji in the last line is 火, not 失. Which would make the last line:

My house is burning down! "Crackle crackle*

22: - 世界の関わり
たぶんリトルマネーはリアルワールドで
穀物の先物取引にでも手を出している(いた?)んだろう
ナップルタウンの住人がいろんな「時」に「映っていた」のも
「たまたま」なんてものじゃないとボクは思う
もっとも「たまたま」と「あらかじめ決まってた」こととの違いなんて
それは「時間」が何かという問いに答えるぐらい
たいへんなコトだよね
Connections between Worlds

Perhaps Mr. Littlemoney dabbles (or dabbled)
in grain futures back in the Real World.
In Napple World, citizens are Reflected at various points in Time,
and I don't feel this is a matter of Chance.
Although, how does Time figure in to the difference
between Chance and Fate? That's a perplexing question indeed.
« Last Edit: August 12, 2015, 03:05:50 pm by Eien Ni Hen »
Soon the super karate monkey death car would park in my space. But Jimmy has fancy plans... and pants to match. The monkey clown horrible karate round and yummy like cute small baby chick would beat the donkey.

Cargodin

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Re: Diary Entry Translation Verification/Correction
« Reply #4 on: August 15, 2015, 01:25:51 am »
Wow, thank you so much for taking a look at the entries for me. Honestly kinda bashful since I really like your work and enjoyed your interview on Romcast.  :crazy: I really can't tell you how happy find your posts was.

There's really quite a lot, and side by side with general logic in Napple Tale, they're pretty tricky to wrap one's head around, which is where I was getting trouble. Straynap is a really fun character in the game because he basically embodies all of it as a tour guide. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought they were "bizarre" as well, since they're a bit of a handful. It's probably the weirdest journal I've seen in a game since chronology is thrown out the window only a few entries in and he starts rambling about really irrelevant and sometimes adult sentiments.

Thank you again for the pointers and corrections, because lord knows I need some to help me get in the right direction. I knew some of them were bad wording choices on my end. (i.e. "castle surrounded by high walls" immediately being followed by the story he's referring to made me just want to write "the castle on a wall" in the preceding bit to make it more clear for the player that "On A Wall" was the appropriate story, even if it's incorrect, but I guess that's a foolish change on my part, so I will stick with your fix on it.

Eien Ni Hen

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Re: Diary Entry Translation Verification/Correction
« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2015, 01:53:06 pm »
Wow, thank you so much for taking a look at the entries for me. Honestly kinda bashful since I really like your work and enjoyed your interview on Romcast.

No problem! I'm glad you like my work and enjoyed my interview.  :laugh:

Yeah, these diary entries are definitely a handful. On the other hand, though, it's cool to see entries that aren't your standard JRPG fare. ("We went to blah blah castle and killed blah blah boss.") I don't mind looking over the rest of them; they're really difficult, and it helps to have a second pair of eyes. :)

Here's a few more:

23: - リトルマネーの場合は
トレントがナップルの代わりに爆弾を実らせたのは
リトルマネーが秋の季節に分裂像を結んでいた……

──つまり
「秋verとしていた」ってことを考え合わせればまあ、当然だろう
リトルマネーの財産は一攫千金によって得られたものだろうし
それを春の対極の季節でわざわざ井戸に隠したのもおろかなことだった
いずれにせよ「本当の実り」じゃなかったのさ

//I totally guessed on this one. Also, I think 像 is supposed to be 線.

Regarding Littlemoney...

Trent produced bombs instead of Napples, thus linking Littlemoney to Autumn...

If you take into account the whole of the "Autumn Version," It makes sense.
Littlemoney made his fortune in the blink of an eye and deliberately hid it in the season opposite Spring. This was a foolish move indeed.
In any event, it wasn't exactly a "True Harvest."

24: - 「冬」
「季節」の中でいちばんコワレていたのが「冬」だと思った
入るのにも少してまどったし
なんといってもピエロがいた
何かの死と同時に何かの誕生を
恐れるかのように
Winter

I think "Winter" is the most broken of all the seasons.
It took longer than expected for us to enter,
and then we encountered Pierrot.
He looked like he was afraid something had died
and something else was born in its place.

29: - 「ほんもの」って?
「まがいもの」が「まがいもの」と出会って「ほんもの」になる
そんあことがあるのかもしれない
そう、少なくとも
「ほんもの」を映しだす
そんな瞬間への希望をボクらは捨ててはならないのだろう
ナップルワールドに少しでもふれ
関わった者であるならば

What is "Real"?

If "Fake" meets "Fake," do they make "Real"?
I'll bet they do.
Or at least something that mirrors "Realness."
We dare not abandon hope for such moments.
Think of all the people who've come in contact with Napple World...

30: - 完全と孤独
完全なるイリュシアはなぜ、あえて自分から花を散らしはじめたのか?
それについて神話は,ただ「自らの孤影に気づき」──として語っていない
つまり世界にひとりぼっちの
「さびしさ」に気がついて花を散らしはじめた
これはピエロ流に言いかえれば
完全であるがために自ら不完全になろうとして
ということになるのだろう
だけど、今や,ボクたちはピエロとは別の言い方で神話を語ることが出来る
そう、そんな気がする
Completeness and Solitude

If Illusia were complete, why did she scatter her own flower petals?
The legend simply says that she "became aware of her solitude." --In other words, she came to know the "Loneliness" of solitude and thus scattered her petals to and fro.
As Pierrot would put it, completeness is what drives one to make oneself incomplete.
Now, however, we can tell the legend in a different way than Pierrot.
Of this I am certain.

31: - ある空想
リアルワールドとディープドリームの世界
このふたつの世界の間で出来ては消えるナップルワールド
この世界を考えることは
リアルワールドにおいて「時間」を考えることと同じなのかもしれない
リアルワールドにおける哲学というものが
「時間」の謎をとく日がくるのだとしても
それは「哲学」という名によってではない
ナップルワールドにおける「名」のように
新しい名がリミックスされてなされるものだと思う
A Daydream

Between the Real World and the Deep Dream World lies the ephemeral Napple World.
Pondering Napple World is like pondering the concept of "Time" in the Real World.
The day may come when "Philosophy"--as it's known in the Real World--unravels the mystery of "Time,"
but we would not call it "Philosophy."
Like all names in Napple World, it would be best remixed into a new one.

32: - オレンジ色の時間
ナップルタウンから「時」が失われていくその最後においても
まだ中央広場で「オレンジタイム」が残っていたのは
それがナップルタウンに一番つながりの深い「時」だったせいだろう
Orange Time

"Time" is slipping away from Napple Town.
However, there was still "Orange Time" left in the town square in the end,
probably because it's the "Time" most closely linked to Napple Town.


Edit: Here's the next few:

34: - Mittens
ポーチさんは自分の手ぶくろを見つけ
ナップルパィから大事なものをてにいれた
まさしくそれは彼女にとって
"turn over a new leaf"

Porch found her missing mittens
and obtained a valuable item from a Napple Pie.
I feel she will "turn over a new leaf."

35: - なぞなぞ
いっぱいあっても使えないのに
なければないほど使えるものは?
Riddle

What can't be used when it's plentiful,
yet becomes more useful when there's less of it?

36: - The universe(1)
宇宙のことを漢字では
「宇宙」と、書く
「宇」は空間
「宙」は時間を意味する
各字を形作っているシンボルの組み合わせがもともと持っていた意味は
「宇」が建物の屋根と骨組み
「宙」が建物をおおうもの
──で、あったらし

In kanji, the word "universe" is written as 「宇宙」,
where 宇 means "space" and 宙 means "time."
The symbols that make up each character originally had meanings of their own.
宇 depicts the roof and frame of a building.
宙 depicts the space which covers said building.
--At least, that's what I've heard.

37: The universe(1) (cont.)
「宙」の字を形作る大事なシンボルの「由」という字は
ヒョウタンのように熟すと中身がとけ
外側のカラだけ残って中がカラッポになり
水などの「入れもの」として使うことが出来る
そんな植物の実からきているという
ボクがここで言いたいのはなぞなぞの答え
カラッポだからこそ何かを入れることが出来る「入れもの」の意味
アイスをのせたコーンの中も
アイスが,ちょうどよくとけるまでは「カラッポ」
そう、それはとってもナップルじゃないか!

//I edited this entry down a bit so that it makes more sense and flows better in English.

The bottom part of 宙 (由) resembles a gourd.
When a gourd ripens, its innards gradually leak out, leaving it hollow inside.
It can then be used as a "container" for things such as water.
From the seed of this plant comes the answer to my riddle. It's empty space!
You can place things in a container that's empty!
Even an ice cream cone is empty until the ice cream atop it starts to melt.
How very "Napplesque," eh?

Edit #2: Here's the rest:

38: - The universe(2)
リアルワールドの日本という国では
「宙」「空」「虚」
上の漢字,その、それもが{SORA}という音
言葉として同じ発音をもっているけど
同じ発音をするからまったく同じ意味だというわけじゃあない
ただ共通するイメージはもっている
文章におきかえるのはムズカシイのだけれど
あえて言葉にしてみれば
純粋に「ない」のではなく「中身がない」のイメージだ

In Japan, a country in the Real World,
there are three kanji that can be pronounced "SORA."
These are 宙, 空, and 虚.
While they don't necessarily share the same meaning
they do evoke a common image.
It might be problematic to interchange them in a sentence,
but they all evoke the same image: not "emptiness," but an "empty space."

39: The universe(2) (cont.)
ただ単純に「ない」という意味である
「無」という漢字があり発音は{MU}という
でも、これは絶対的に「ない」
ということであって
「ない」の種類が違う
この区別がつかなかったピエロにとって
ナップルワールドはただむなしい世界としか占えなかっただろう

Basically, the kanji for "emptiness" is 無 (MU).
However, it actually means "absolute nothingness," which is not the same as "emptiness."
Pierrot was unable to make make this distinction,
so perhaps he could only see Napple World as a lifeless void.

40: - 穴あきドーナツ
ドーナツたべたあなあきドーナツ
まんなかたべたあまい といき
いつかすんでたようせいの
なにもないからなにかある
なにかあるからなにもない
リングドーナツくるくる くるる
舞踏会は まぁだまだ

//I think ようせい here refers to 幼生 (larva), because it fits the theme of the death/rebirth cycle.

Hollow Donut

I ate a donut; a hollow donut.
The center tasted sweet; a breath of air.
The larva that once lived!
Where there is nothing, there is something.
Where there is something, there is nothing.
The ring donut goes 'round and 'round.
The dance goes on and on.

41: - Seasons in Life-spiral
すすむ「時」それは馳せる想い
朝のにおいをさがしさまよう夜ふけの闇
季節のめぐりをラセンにかけるキミの今
もどる「時」それも馳せる想い
ぼんやりした昼過ぎに昨夜の月の喧噪
季節のめぐりをラセンにかえるキミの今

//This poem was pretty difficult, and I did take a few liberties with my translation. The only real issue I noticed with yours is that 馳せる想い means something like "racing thoughts." It's a phrase used a lot in song lyrics.

How exhilarating, the foward march of "Time"!
Wandering through the dark of night,
searching for the scent of morning.
For you are now traversing the spiral of the seasons.
How exhilarating, the backward march of "Time"!
From the hustle and bustle of last night's moon,
back to the carefree afternoon.
For you are now traversing the same spiral backwards.

45: - カレイドスコープ
ナップルワールドは万華鏡のような世界だ
カタチは決まっていても(むろん6角形!)
あらゆるもののカケラが入れ替わり、立ちかわり
無限の模様を描いていく
「いのち」そのものの軌跡
瞬間と永遠のスクランブル変差点
あるいはシチューのような
Kaleidoscope

//I think 変 should be 交 here, as in スクランブル交差点.

Napple World is like a kaleidoscope.
It has a set shape, (a hexagon, of course!)
but its individual parts constantly shift and alternate,
creating an infinite number of patterns.
The traces of "Life" itself can be seen in the "pedestrian scramble"
of fleeting moments and eternity.
You could also say it's a bit like a stew.


Also, feel free to PM me if you need any more help with this game. It looks really neat, and I love a challenge. :3
« Last Edit: August 16, 2015, 02:53:31 pm by Eien Ni Hen »
Soon the super karate monkey death car would park in my space. But Jimmy has fancy plans... and pants to match. The monkey clown horrible karate round and yummy like cute small baby chick would beat the donkey.