Nintendo Entertainment System
No Alternate Title
|Release Date||17 April 1992|
|Platform||Nintendo Entertainment System|
|ROM Information||ROM Information|
|ROM Map||ROM Map|
|RAM Map||RAM Map|
|Table File||Table File|
|Hacking Notes||Hacking Notes|
David Bowie once sang “you’ve gotta have a scheme/you’ve gotta have plan/for the world of today/for tomorrow’s man”. But David Bowie has said a lot of strange things, so let’s not mix him up in this review.
Hirake Ponkikki features a variety of annoying games, which if thought out well could have turned out fun like Mario Party. Instead, it’s just a variety of annoying games for the lowest common denominator rehashed again and again, and it smacks of developers stuck with a licence and no good idea to go with it. When you start the game, you find yourself on a map with a set of levels. The first level is an annoying forced-scrolling platformer, in which you pick up easily-accessible fruits and dodge animals that walk threateningly at you at a medium pace. It’s a good game to play if you’ve suffered a terrible hand accident and want something unchallenging to play while you recover.
The next game, your guy’s little friend hides in one of many cups and shifts the cups around. You have to guess which cup your guy’s little friend is in. The only case in which someone could lose at this game is if they have the attention span of a doughnut, or if they were too busy writing a snotty review to watch the cups.
After that is a familiar rock-paper-scissors game, which is probably fun for avid fans of rock-paper-scissors whose friends are all sick of being bugged to play it. Gape in awe as the game scores your ability to sit through a game of chance. Amazingly, you don’t actually have to press any buttons for this one. Presumably this is a measure for players who aren’t quite confident in their ability to play videogames. I got a better score sitting in front of the screen drinking Coke than I did trying to play the game.
Everybody wins at Hirake Ponkikki.
I started Hirake Ponkikki in the knowledge it was a kid’s game, but when I played the next mini-game, I lost all hope for the slightest pang of entertainment or challenge. If kids old enough to be playing NES are in any way challenged by a game where you have to match up shapes, then it’s a miracle they managed to figure out how to hold the control pad and press buttons.
I have no desire to describe the following game, because it’s even stupider than the last game and I’m running low on bile and vitriol.
Once you clear the gauntlet of stupid, you can stop by a rather underwhelmed-looking mountain and enjoy a picnic cutscene, which really makes all the time you’ve wasted on the game worth it.
Then you can cross the bridge, and there’s a fresh gauntlet of rehashed stupid waiting for you on the other side. If by this point you feel bored and don’t really want to put in the effort — that’s okay. You can clear stages with 0 points, and your little guy will still be so pleased that he “won”.