Heh, caught wind of this a couple days back, thought it should have been a front pager.
Unfortunately, I'm still wrapped up in another RPG, one that one would think should be shorter than it is, to give this another go at the moment. I'd like to see the improvements, as I played LNF's translation back when it first came out.
A hint for anyone that would be playing this for the first time:
Leveling up is based on getting the last hit to kill off an opponent. For example, in the first battle of the game, any character that scores 2 kills, whether they even struck the opponent beforehand or not, will go to level 2.
Edit: After giving both translations a try, here's where thing get weird: LNF's translation starts off with a scene that shows Sasami and Ryo-ohki looking for Washu, then the enemies you face in the first battle show up. Makes sense. Your patch shows a scene involving Mihoshi and a robot near a spaceship, but the text is garbled junk. Both cases, it seems a scene is cut out. You did a good job keeping the text readable in the boxes, but it's still not what I would consider 100%