I just realized that this was yet another forum in which Bookofholsety was posting, so I decided to post my revisions from Serenes Forest here. The script bookofholsety has now IS very good, but I feel that it suffers from one glaring problem; pacing issues. I have some nitpicks about the rest of it (such as him using the phrase "I/we will do all we can" more often than he should for なんでもやります) and some passive voice issues; but the main point I want to get across is that the script could do with a reduced word count. FE4 is already a fairly wordy game on it's own, so I think it's to it's benefit to have a script that flows more smoothly.
Now then, here's the very first script revision I did...http://lpix.org/sslptest/index.php?id=144855
Along with some examples of what I'm talking about...
At the heart of the continent of Jugdral lies Grannvale, a kingdom founded by Saint Heim of the Twelve Crusaders.
Passive voice problem here. I'm not saying that EVERYTHING has to be Active voice, but you do want to grab the reader's attention while they're still new to this. That's why a lot of popular music starts off with a really strong stinger in the first five seconds before proceeding on with the rest of the melody.
Grannvale's Chancellor, Lord Reptor of House Freege, has long objected to the threat to his influence posed by Kurth and his advisors, and has allied himself with the avaricious Lord Langbalt of House Dozel to form a faction opposed to Kurth’s rule over Grannvale.
Duuuude...that sentence is like, two lines long. Could you possibly find a way to split that? I personally wrote it as "Chancellor Reptor, ruler of House Freege, had long bucked at the Prince's authority. He felt that his authority had been compromised; he sought to challenge Kurth's reign through an alliance with the avaricious Lord Langbolt, ruler of House Dozel."
Darna, a town in the Yied Desert with deep ties to Grannvale, is now besieged by savage warriors from Isaach. Reports of a brutal massacre abound. The news is met by the people of Grannvale with furious cries for retribution, and before long the kingdom declares war on Isaach. Prince Kurth leads Grannvale's charge on his father’s behalf, commanding the military might of the kingdom’s six houses.
Present tense is kind of awkward to use when there's clearly a good deal of time passing between what's being described at the beginning of the text scrawl and what happens at the end.
For example: "Darna gets attacked, then Grandbell retaliates, then Verdane invades, then Sigurd bellows a war cry before riding off on his noble steed" shows very clear chronological progression; I don't see how one can use present tense throughout that WHOLE thing, can you?
Also...this is one passage where I took some creative liberties; if you want, you could check out the new version I wrote in the post above to see what I did. I dunno if it violates your standards of fidelity to the script, but I think it helps this opening come alive a bit.
At Kurth’s side as always is none other than Lord Byron, a highly decorated hero of peerless valor in his own right.
Overall awkward sentence. Passive voice, lack of commas in the first part of the sentence, and the phrase "in his own right" is redundant. I think the player will be more than willing to accept that Lord Bryon is, indeed, a pretty cool guy; why do we need to add a qualifier to that? Why can't we just end the sentence with, "he's a hero of peerless valour"?[And then here's part 2 of my commentary, with another script revision, and some more highlights from said revision...]http://lpix.org/sslptest/index.php?id=144869
No, milady. We might not stand a chance, but every last one of us will give our lives to protect you, right to the very end.
Midir: No, milady. We live to guard you in ALL your paths; if one leads to death, then so be it.
Noish: Perish the thought, milord! I was born a knight, and I will gladly risk dying a knight's death in your name. To allow our lord to die alone in battle would be an unspeakable disgrace. We shall be by your side, every step of the way. Alec, I trust that you're of the same mind?
Noish: Milord; I am a knight! I will gladly fight and die in your name! Allowing our lord to perish alone would be an unspeakable sin. We shall be by your side, every step of the way! Alec, are we agreed?
Alec: Yeah, of course! But there's more than just Jungby at stake. We've got to stop by the nearby villages first. Those thugs'll try to beat us to them, and they'll loot, massacre and burn them all down if they do. We've gotta get there first, and lend the locals a hand in locking the villages down and fortifying their defenses.
Alec: YEAH we are! But hey, the villages need help too. Those thugs'll loot, massacre, and burn everything alive if they beat us to 'em! We've gotta help fortify their defenses!
Noish: Milord, what of the defence of Chalphy itself in our absence? Leaving the castle unattended is risky. Should the enemy slip past us, an unguarded castle will fall easily and spell us a swift end.
Noish: Milord, what of Chalphy itself? Should the enemy take it in our absence, our deaths will be all but assured.
Gandolf: Kehehe...You! Not bad for being all on your lonesome, but I've had enough of your struggling!
Gandolf: Kehehe...Hey! Ya did good for bein' on your own; now drop dead!