I'm reading over this now myself, and I wanted to let you know the capitalization on Crystal is done in the remake script. This was a piece of consistency I added at some point. Also, I know Rodimus has done an amazing job of making this his own, but I would have appreciated if this feedback were also directed to me since I believe FFIV: Namingway Edition is, by this point, a hybrid of Rodimus' work and mine.
I'll look this over as well. Thank you for the feedback.
Edit - I'll start my responses here, to things I know I've done.
"As far as my general issues, the first thing I want to mention is that it looks like you've opted to remove the space occuring after commas and periods in order to save on data. I've toyed with similar choices in my own recent script work. Honestly, I would add the conventional space."
That will not work without doubling the space of the ROM data. Even Kaoru Moriyama employed a similar trick--she removed the space after the colon for speaker names. I just took it further by following AWJ, SOM2Freak, and Alex Jackson's approach to their FFIII NES translation.
"Here's an extremely minor point, but I always get a little thrown off by your capitalization of OK. Now, I don't find it nearly as disturbing as when people spell it as 'okay', but a simple ok usually flows best IMO."
This is my personal flair for writing. I find it the opposite--"ok" looks unprofessional unless it's "okay" or "OK". It's up to Rodimus if he'd like to change this, of course. It's all OK
Semicolons aren't an option on the FFIV SNES script.
His Majesty is a proper title, it needs capitalization. The remake script does this, as do real royal titles.
I really like your take on the "distrust" line. I struggled a lot with that one. Thank you.
Sir Cecil is another title. Sir is replacing "Mr." here; we always capitalize the M of Mr., Miss, Ms., and Mrs. You wouldn't spell it "dr. Shannen".
KO is the official term of getting incapacitated in battle. The Deathbringer's "KO'd!" message was in FFIV Advance, for what that's worth. Likely in FFIV:CC too.
Capitalizing Moon was on me, not Rodimus. Please don't blame him for it
"Hyphons", as you called them (It's hyphe
n), are used for a full stop in lieu of an em dash. I thought it looked nicer than two dashes. For example, the Sylph's line is "Oh! Don't--" because her voice cuts off before Cecil smacks Yang with the frying pan.
Kain: If that happens again, please, kill me. (too choppy with the two commas)
Kain: Please kill me if that happens again.
This line in particular is a bad suggestion, IMO. He's interjecting the "please" as a pleading. Your suggestion makes it sound far too casual.
The "Scottish-ish dialect" of the ancient weapons' bosses was just supposed to be ancient-sounding... I didn't think it'd sound any particular way. :\ Maybe it's time to change it to Elizabethan English.
"(i'm not really into expressions that date this translation to the nineties)"... you do know when FFIV came out, right? :p
Regardless of my nitpicks of your nitpicks, I do like a lot of your suggestions, and I've written them down to incorporate in Project II as well.