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Author Topic: Proofread something for me?  (Read 2146 times)

DarknessSavior

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Proofread something for me?
« on: November 29, 2011, 11:56:16 pm »
Recently, my favorite teacher from when I was in Japan passed away from a heart attack (and she was in her 30s, too...). I'm writing something for her memorial, and I would like it to be proofread before I submit it, as no doubt there are likely errors in it (I had to look up a ton of words I didn't know how to express).

Quote
皆さんが知っている通り西川先生はとても優しくて本当に良い人でした。しかし、僕にとって西川先生は先生としてだけじゃなくて、家族みたいな存在でした。先生として相談したことも、友達として喋ったこともあります。三年生の授業はとても難しかったのに、西川先生はいつも僕達を笑わせたり、面白い話を聞かせてくれたりしたから、毎日の授業が楽しみでした。でも、時には叱られました。それがいい先生ということです。

西川先生は僕達の夢についていつも勇気付けてくれました。例えば僕に「有名な音楽家になった後、彦根に戻って演奏してください」や「アルバーツさんの日本語が本当に上手です。褒めることではなくて、ただ本当のことをいってるんです」と言ってくれました。その言葉で僕は本当に感動しました。

僕は今、日本語を生かす仕事をしています。もちろん、JCMUの方々が手伝ってくれたが、西川先生がいなければ、この仕事に就くことはできなかっただろうと思います。

芥川龍之介の言葉を借り込んで「何とも申しようのない、気の毒なことを致します」。ご冥福を祈ります、西川先生。

Thanks,

~DS
« Last Edit: November 30, 2011, 05:28:03 am by DarknessSavior »
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geishaboy

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Re: Proofread something for me?
« Reply #1 on: November 30, 2011, 04:53:51 am »
Pretty good effort, I picked up a few things and changed them for you, but in all honesty your original letter still makes sense even if it does sound a little odd in places. It's entirely possible there are some things I haven't noticed though.

もちろん、西川先生はとても優しくて本当に良い人でした。しかし、僕にとって西川先生は先生としてだけじゃなくて、家族みたいな存在でした。先生として相談したことも、友達として喋ったこともあります。三年生の授業はとても難しかったのに、西川先生はいつも僕達を笑わせたり、面白い話を聞かせてくれたりしたから、毎日の授業が楽しみでした。でも、時には叱られました。それがいい先生ということです。

西川先生は僕達の夢についていつも勇気付けてくれました。例えば僕に「有名な音楽家になったら、彦根に戻って演奏してください」と言ってくれました。その言葉で僕は本当に感動しました。

僕は今、日本語を生かす仕事をしています。もちろん、JCMUの方々が手伝ってくれたが、西川先生がいなければ、この仕事に就くことはできなかっただろうと思います。

I think that there are various statements of set phrases when writing something like this, but I can't think of any. I have never had to write anything like this. I quick internet search would probably yield some good results

That sucks about your teacher too. By the sounds of it he/she was a really awesome person.  :-[

DarknessSavior

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Re: Proofread something for me?
« Reply #2 on: November 30, 2011, 05:19:03 am »
I was wondering about my use of passive vs. causative verbs. Figures I picked the wrong one.

For the part about "becoming a famous musician", I chose the form I did because she was implying that I would become one, not if. She actually said it in English.

Thanks for everything else, though.

And yeah, she was a great person. I don't really understand why things turned out this way. It was actually on my list of lifelong goals to come back and impress her with my Japanese skills or with music I had written. Just thinking about her makes me tear up a bit. ;_;

Apparently an equivalent phrase in Japanese is ご冥福を祈ります。I'll go with that.

Edit: I edited things a bit, and added a few things, including a quote from Ryuunosuke Akutagawa (is that sort of thing typical in Japanese speeches as it is in English ones?).

~DS
« Last Edit: November 30, 2011, 05:29:15 am by DarknessSavior »
Red Comet: :'( Poor DS. Nobody loves him like RC does. :'(
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LostTemplar

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Re: Proofread something for me?
« Reply #3 on: November 30, 2011, 08:20:31 am »
I'd avoid colloquialisms:
しかし、僕にとって西川先生は先生としてだけではなく(て)、家族のような存在でした。

Also, some phrases I'd personally write another way:
先生として相談してくれたことも、友達としてお話をしてくれたこともあります。
今になって僕は日本語を生かす仕事をしています。もちろん、JCMUの方々手伝ってくれたが、西川先生がいなければ、この仕事に就くことはできなかっただろうと思います。
芥川龍之介の言葉を借りて「何とも申しようのない、気の毒なことを致します」。

I'm not too familiar with Akutagawa's works (or the Japanese used back in that age), but the quote itself sounds like you're going to do something terrible.

(With her being your teacher, you also might want to consider 敬語, but it all depends on many things, as always with Japanese ;) )

geishaboy

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Re: Proofread something for me?
« Reply #4 on: November 30, 2011, 07:12:14 pm »

For the part about "becoming a famous musician", I chose the form I did because she was implying that I would become one, not if. She actually said it in English.


Ah, I see. Just go with what you had originally, like I said before it still makes sense.

For what it's worth, the ~たら form doesn't strictly mean "if" but rather that grey area between "if" and "when" in English. 地震が起こったら can be translated as both "When an earthquake hits" and "If an earthquake hits" depending on the context.  Although it is probably still not quite right  for what you are wanting to say.

DarknessSavior

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Re: Proofread something for me?
« Reply #5 on: November 30, 2011, 11:05:46 pm »
I'm not too familiar with Akutagawa's works (or the Japanese used back in that age), but the quote itself sounds like you're going to do something terrible.

(With her being your teacher, you also might want to consider 敬語, but it all depends on many things, as always with Japanese ;) )
Thank you for your assistance.

The quote is from "In the Bamboo Thicket". It means "The utter sadness of what has occurred has left me at a loss for words." I figured it somewhat fitting.

~DS
Red Comet: :'( Poor DS. Nobody loves him like RC does. :'(
Sliver-X: LET ME INFRINGE UPON IT WITH MY MOUTH
DSRH - Currently working on: Demon's Blazon, Romancing SaGa, FFIV EasyType.
http://www.youtube.com/user/DarknessSavior