Well, I don't know what you want me to say. Your translation is all across the board, going from "the gist of what they're saying" to "way off the mark" at times. If you want to do a localization to change what it says for a western audience, then you're welcome to do that. But I don't really understand what the point of asking for feedback is.
I think what he wanted was for someone to correct his translations.
Well I'm already half way through a family-sized cask of sake, so let me take a look.
Gatsun:
ぐははは…!
Gwahaha...!
ゆきまつりのぞうは
もらっていくぞ!
Time to get myself a nice big snow sculpture
(A ゆきまつりのぞう is an a large sculpture made from snow, typically made for a winter festival)Hyou:
まてっ!
Wait!
そんなもんをうばって
なんにつかうんだ!?
What are you going to do with that?/What do you need that for?Kiyu:
なんのやくにも
たたないわよっ!
It's no good to you!/It's of no use to you!
(Or more literally : it won't won't serve any purpose)Gatsun:
よけいなおせわだっ!
くらえっ!!
None of your business!
Eat this!
ぐふふふ…
これでせかいに…
えいえんのふゆが
くるのだ…!
Gufufufu...
Now this world...
will be winter FOREVER!
Stage 1
Old man:
たいへんなことじゃ
It's terrible!
ぞうがなければ
ゆきまつりはできんし
We need the statue
(or sculpture) for the Winter Carnival
(festival).
ゆきまつりが
できないと
If we can't have the winter festival...Kiyu:
できなと…
どーなるの?
No
festival...
What will happen?Old man:
はるがこないのじゃ。
Spring won't comeHyou:
わかりました!
このおれがかならず、
ぞうをとりかえして
きます!
Got it!
I won't stop until the statue is returned!
-if choosing Kiyu-
(Hyou)や…やられた。
O...oww.
Hyou - old guy says
やれやれ…きゆ、
おまえもいきなさい。
Lord help us.
Kiyu,
you go as wellKiyu - old guy says
やれやれ…きゆ、
おまえがいきなさい。
Lord help us.
Kiyu,
get going.-if Hyou chosen, Kiyu says
いやです。
Noif using Kiyu she says
…はーい。
Oh-Kay.2P mode last part of cutscene
Old guy:
やれやれ…
Lord help us.
Kiyu:
……………
Old guy:
なにをしておる、
おまえもいかんか!
What are you doing?
You're going too!
(literally : What are you doing? You're not going? - but said in such a way that it becomes an imperative)Kiyu:
…やっぱり。
Great.
...or something like that. Check the English against the cut-scene and edit it to match what's happening.